Becoming a kinship carer during the chaos of COVID, Hollie faced judgment, isolation and a system she didn’t understand. But with grit, love, and support from Family Action, she found her voice, a community, and a bond that changed everything.
Becoming a kinship carer
I’m the kinship carer for the son of a distant relative. And I was NOT prepared.
I’d never heard of kinship care, so I didn’t have any experiences. Before I took on the role I didn’t especially like kids, and I’d never wanted to be pregnant… I like my sleep!
At first, I was just helping his mum and dad during COVID, as they were struggling. I’ve worked in childcare since I was a teenager – nurseries and schools, that sort of thing. So, I was telling them how to bathe and feed him, and I would also do things like wash bottles and buy things he needed.
Thrown into the social care system
As COVID drew on, it was clear they were struggling, and they asked me to look after him. I was contacted by Social Services, who made the decision that I should bring him into A&E so they could work out a child protection order.
A couple of days after I took him into the child protection thing they took him into foster care, and I wasn’t even allowed to know if he’d settled ok. It was upsetting… I just wanted to know that he was safe, but he just… disappeared, and I didn’t have any contact.
I knew that the milk he was on wasn’t the right milk, and I’d asked before they took him if I could change it, but they said I wasn’t allowed.
I was phoning them, and they were getting angry with me. They treated me like I’d done something wrong. I don’t know if I was tarnished with how they saw his parents, I don’t know… I look very young, and I dress younger than I look so maybe I don’t come across as prim and proper?
I failed the first assessment as his potential kinship carer because there was mould in my bedroom – but it was COVID! I couldn’t get anyone to fix it.
Proving myself for him
I got to see him just after his 1st birthday as part of the next assessment I asked for – I think they agreed to that because I had his mum’s support. She was applying too, but I think she knew in her heart that she wouldn’t pass it. I think she wanted him to go to someone who cared about him.
That second assessment was the most intrusive thing that’s ever happened to me – asking me how many sexual partners I had, how many boyfriends, why we’d broken up, asking for their numbers. They went through my bank statements. They came round to the house criticising everything and I understood why, but sometimes it wasn’t even relevant – they were asking things that no longer applied to a child his age.
I did pass that assessment in the end, and I was so relieved. From that point on I used to be able to see him every week in a contact centre, which was an hour and half away and took place on weekdays, so I had to take my annual leave to see him. They said they’d pay me back, but I never got those expenses.
Every morning on the way there I felt physically sick because I knew I was going to be judged. I had seen situations like this before because of my job, so I knew it wasn’t personal, but it felt like I had to ask permission before I did anything.
While that was going on, I had to do six weeks of training. I never used to do lunch breaks at work as I used to do it online. It was a group of us doing it and it covered everything – down to a managing your money course.
Then I started going to the foster carer’s for visits. They took him back off me while they investigated something that spooked them. Whatever it was turned out to be false, and I was allowed to see him, but I remember Christmas being rough. They said I would have to give up my job to give him 24/7 care, and I wouldn’t allowed be to leave him anywhere because we needed to build up a bond.
Struggling alone and unheard
It felt like nobody was on my side, and I’m now on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication because of it as, at that point, I didn’t know about any support groups or anything.
Eventually it went to court to make the final decision about who would be caring for him. I wasn’t allowed to go and could only join by video link… I could see it all, but I was muted.
There was a judge… and the caseworker… but it all just blended into one. The person who works for the judge from CAFCASS, which protects the rights of children, appeared to be on my side, but I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t have a solicitor… nobody told me I could until it was too late.
Eventually they said that the Special Guardian Order was granted to me, but I didn’t know if they were saying yes or no. I phoned the social worker afterwards – I’d never heard of a Special Guardianship Order before. I was given money by the council, but that was means tested and then stopped after a year… and I didn’t know that that would happen! That was another rigmarole involving more forms.
I’ve done some work here and there but, although I’ve been offered the chance to work full-time I can’t because of what he needs from me, even though he’s now started school.
It helped me to cope with things right there and then, but also helped me to realise that it hasn’t just happened to him… I’d gone through it too. It helped me realise that I had lost a lot and properly acknowledge that for myself, as I’d only thought about him up to that point.
After researching the service’s available training, I saw that there was a coffee support morning. Well, I absolutely hate things like that – I’m not too outgoing in general – but I forced myself to go because I knew I needed help and support.
I was made to feel so welcome! It felt like a safe space to talk. The women who ran the group also helped me find online help and support and put me in touch with FamilyLine, and hearing other people’s stories in the group helped me realise I wasn’t alone.
Family Action gave me a community
I wasn’t on my own! People were able to offer advice to me and I could help them too. Other things followed – we went to a summer picnic thing and then to a Christmas event.
My child remembered the people from the picnic and was saying “do you think this person will be there?” – he was so excited when he saw people and you could tell having them there made him feel comfortable… and if he’s comfortable then I’m comfortable.
I was very surprised, as my child got an action figure of his favourite Marvel superhero and I got a box of chocolate. It was such a surprise that they thought about me. He absolutely loved his present and thought it was the best thing ever, as he loves that superhero. He said that he felt like they knew him.
I could tell he felt recognised, and he tells everyone he got his favourite toy from “the special party”. He drew a picture after the event to say thank you.
Everyone is super friendly and helpful and informative, and you don’t feel like you’re a burden. You feel listened to. That’s so important because, at times, I felt so deflated that I wanted to give up.
Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore – but I didn’t stop because it was all for that little boy… the most loving, caring, super funny boy ever. I’m a better person for taking him on. I feel like, as much as I’ve done for him, he’s done the same for me. He’s changed my life…and he’s saved my life.
I’ve not kept anything from him. At first, he called me by my name, but now he calls me mum.
*all names in this story have been changed at the interviewee’s request.
Children enter kinship care for similar reasons to adoption or foster care – their parents may be unable to care for them due to illness, addiction, imprisonment, or other challenges. The difference is that the child stays within their family network rather than being placed with people they don’t know.
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Over 130,000 children are estimated to live in kinship care in England. With your support, we can help more carers like Hollie provide stable homes in which children can thrive.
PAC-UK
PAC-UK Special Guardianship Support Service is here to support any special guardian with the difficulties they face with a range of special support, information and guidance. If you need our support, contact the PAC-UK Advice Line on 0300 1800 090 or email us.
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