Parents of children who have special educational needs or disabilities (SEND) often find that there are periods of great upheaval in their lives. Here parent Hayley explains how one of Family Action’s SENDIAS (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Information, Advice and Support) services helped with her son’s transition to primary school.
My son has Social, Emotional and Mental Health Needs (SEMH), meaning he can have difficulty managing his emotions and behaviour.
Shortly after he started school we were called into the headteacher’s office because he kicked and spat at his teacher. They told me he was a risk being there and had to be on a reduced timetable… and it all escalated from there.
I couldn’t work to earn money because I had to look after him, which caused me
a lot of stress.
Starting school with a SEND diagnosis
The restricted timetable meant that the maximum he was there was two hours. On paper, it would be reviewed every week, but it remained in place until he left. All the time he was at that school he remained part time.
I’d drop him off and then go down to town and I’d get a phone call saying he’s done this or that and you’ve got to come back. I think I developed something like a phobia along the way… like I couldn’t leave the house because I might get a call from the school.
It made me feel like I was doing something wrong; there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and it felt like this was
going to be my life.
He’s very active – he rarely sits down – and loves anything hands-on. For example, he likes taking things apart and putting them back together and he likes water and sand. I enjoy seeing him out in the garden doing stuff, but at school he needs to do both – be active and sit and concentrate.
Sometimes he’d tell me that he didn’t have any friends and, to hear that come out of a child’s mouth, well… It’s not nice. I think partly what he didn’t like was that he was isolated at playtime as he wasn’t allowed out due to problems coming back in.
I’d sit and cry on my own because
I didn’t feel I could share it.
Moving the goal posts
I was worried my son would keep getting further behind, but there was no seeing it from my point of view – they were like “we’ll catch him up”.
My husband was angry and because he works, he couldn’t attend the meetings. It was hard on us all – I didn’t feel I could share everything because I’d upset him, so I was bottling everything up.
The school would set goals for my son and say, “you have to do this” and he would do it, and then they would change the requirements. They were changing the goalposts constantly.
If it wasn’t for my son’s pre-school passing me the details for the Family Action’s SENDIAS service I wouldn’t have gotten through those first few months.
When my son started school Family Action was there
The best thing I ever did was contact my SENDIAS service. The school was talking at us in acronyms, and the service explained everything to me: what they were and what they meant. I could call my contact at the SENDIAS service and rant, it was nice to be able to say something and know that it was safe, and they would keep it confidential.
She made me feel like I had a voice and helped me understand that I knew my son and what’s best for him. She helped put me in touch with Early Help and then we began looking for an alternative school… and started the process for an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP).
We visited one mainstream school that was my first choice, hands down, but because of how popular it is we couldn’t get a space at first. Then we found out that they were putting in place some additional provision for a small number of children with additional needs, and my son ticked every box.
One day I got an email from the school saying he’d got in! I was crying and texting everyone I knew.
The first day at the new school he did the two hours he’d been doing forever; the second week he did five hours and he’s been full-time ever since. He loves it as they can do fun stuff and be active… it’s not JUST sitting down and writing.
On his second week he told me he’d had hot chocolate with the headteacher for doing his best and I was crying again because I didn’t think it would ever happen. I feel like I’ve been crying forever through either sadness or joy… I don’t think I’ve got any tears left!
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